Brian's Dad: Session Seven

Brian's Dad: Session Seven: "Please start from your previous session: I was more apprehensive than ever. On leaving the campus I looked carefully in the direction that ..."

Please start from your previous session:

Session Seven

Please start from your previous session:

I was more apprehensive than ever.

On leaving the campus I looked carefully in the direction that Ginger and the Chairman had been looking. ''Looking' was being kind they were sneaking glances and what they saw really preoccupied them. I saw two things a perfectly black ball disappearing into the void around us. And the most awesome blinding flash that past with out any trace. As blinding as it was it was nigh on impossible to see as it was so short lived. Obviously an enormous amount of energy.

Energy, the black ball, my previous mentor. Something was up. But what?

Now I was back for my next session on sex. That was hard enough but to add to that the undercurrent of suspicion and intrigue.

I walked into the interview room. All three of them were there. They were radiating pleasantness. Their colors merged and complimented each other. Their hues were of identical intensity and the smells were pleasantly subtly matching and ever changing. The blue and greens of Vortex matching the pastel colors of the chairman with Ginger's shades of red and rust setting a pleasant background.

I was met by a beatific smile. Three of them. Each more radiant than the previous one.

All in all a very unnerving set of events.

The chairman jumped in with his introduction.

"Let me see now. Oh yes. Last session, which was delightful, ended with us all deciding to have a sex session".

There was a burst of internal pandemonium. At first each of with his own personal contribution which then climaxed into a mutual sensation of complete uncertainty.

I could see Vortex trembling and her colors changed to a pulsating purple. Her eyes were blank and yet placid and deeply beautiful. All three of them.

Ginger was flashing from red through to yellow and then green. On arriving at green the color started revolving , throbbing and beacons of green were flashed in every direction but especially towards Vortex.

I was collecting what I could from the messages that the chairman had sent. "Last session delightful ". It had been the usual nigh on catastrophe. More than that , why were they being so nice?

To my complete astonishment chairman was appraising me with tender looks. His all white appearance had obvious grey overtones. More amazingly Vortex was doing the same.

But our confusion became palpable. It coalesced and we were slowly spinning in unsion around the room. As the speed started to increase two things happened . Ginger noticed that not only was he not the center of attraction , in every sense of the word, but I was. His colors reverted and his smell was that of a feral angry cat. He stopped revolving and became revolting. The chairman cleared his voice and started to clarify. On doing so we all stopped revolving and resorted to normality.

"Why sex? How sex?"

All this with a quaint sweet and completely unnatural smile. He was still trying to be jolly.

So off I set.

'Choice determines a winner'.

'Winner of what?' this was from the chairman. Ginger was subsiding into a molten red. Melting down like lava, but bubbling and angry.

'Of whatever choice was made. The winner attains an evolutionary advantage'.

That did it.

Two explosions at once. They intertwined, coalesced and engulfed me.

The first contributor was Vortex. She had changed into indigo and each eye looked at one of us. And then switched to another. I saw her focus and refocus. What was so fascinating about sex? Vortex slowly evaporated , reconstituted in a different color and then evaporated again. Her eyes multiplied. Finally she spoke.

'Why orgasms?'

I was completely flustered.

'Sorry?' I meant to say. But the chairman beat me to it. Now why should he be sorry.

For once Ginger looked even more perplexed than I. But not for long.

Vortex regained some sort of composure.

I tumbled on . 'The orgasm is the time when is the participants unite both physically and emotionally. '

'You mean that there has to be two?' asked Vortex sighingly.

The chairman answered in a very hoarse voice.'Not necessarily, you can have more. Sometimes less.'

' You never told me that. ' Vortex said almost accusingly. Then tried to make it sound like she was addressing me. She wasn't .

The chairman beat his gavel and demanded that I answer the question.

'What question ?' both I and Ginger said in duet.

But Vortex was lost to all except herself. 'Maybe you can do it alone?'

'Isn't that what the politicians do?' asked the chairman.' If they can have spin with no substance can they have orgasms without substance too? '

At this point Ginger went ballistic. He simply turned a bright yellow, flames came out of his rear end and he flew widely round the room.

'This is lunacy. You have sex for winners. So losers are sterilized ?' I jumped. Thus had been one of the conditions the German tribe had asked for in negotiating the ten commandments.

'Would be corollary of what you said but they have more sex', chairman's not very helpful contribution. Ginger blasted into a high orbit.

'The whole point of free choice is free sex? The winner takes all but the loser has sex too and breeds faster.'

Ginger was getting into his swing.

'So if this is to breed the most adequate have you looked at the results? How much sex over the millennia does it need for them to change at all? Your bloody dinosaurs did more change than this lot and you hurled a bloody meteor at them. '

'It's the only thing that they think about. Or want to really do. They live their whole lives for sex. Why I ask you why?'

I was about to answer. But Ginger's soliloquy was far from over. On he ranted.

'The geometry and physics of the penis are a crude imitation of my changing physical entity planets. I did this on a whole planet, not just one penis? What were you thinking about? The docking procedures are like my twin darting planets. They work for a whole cosmos , you moron, not built round a single vagina. Are you imitating your stand up comedians?'

I knew where that came from. I had tried to explain humor to them. Ginger noticed that a lot of 'my Jews ' were comedians. He noticed that most of the Jews started telling jokes to pass the time as Moses took an eternity to explain anything as he stuttered his way through any sentence. He thought that stand up comedy was Jews telling jokes with an erection and the audience having an orgasm.

Chairman cleared his voice, not that it needed clearing, but it attracted Ginger's attention. The chairman nodded at the window. Vortex stared at me in complete mystification . Ginger momentarily calmed down.

'Explain the mechanism of sex' was the chairmans question as an attempt to regain a modicum of order.

The attempt was an utter failure. Both Vortex and Ginger erupted. One physically.

Ginger was besides himself in every sense possible. One was bad enough but two. Circling each other in a blur. 'Explain, how can this lunatic explain lunacy?'

The chairman and I explained fearful glances. Not another big bang, surely. Nothing could avoid it.

Well one thing could and did.

Vortex whispered ' So interesting, sometimes I believe that we creators should experience even the most bizarre of occurrences.' Did she indeed? Ginger went back into his green revolving light mode.

Vortex had now taken over the proceedings. 'Why do your Jews chop the end off? '

Now that was a good one. I had no intentions that they do that. But again that walking catastrophe Moses had done that. Not intentionally. Not even directly.

It was in one of long drawn out meetings when he was spraying me trying to stutter through 'God, faithful king.' every sentences with his strange penguin act. I had an idea. As he stuttered through the three words I chimed in with 'In all circumstances.' You can guess what happened next.

Off he trots to update the tribe.

They were thunderstruck when he started out with 'In all circumsssssssss' and got stuck. One of the leading stand up artists jumped in with ' Surely not circumcised?' This brought the house down. Moses hates being laughed at and especially hated the particular comic.

'Good idea.' was his response.

They were shell shocked. No one ever brought the house down again till Sampson tried it in Philistine with similar catastrophic results.

Moses was a nervous wreck. In our next meeting he begged that I help him. He explained the whole tribe was chasing each other with knives. They were planning to start on the women. This worried Moses. Jethro's daughter , his wife had threatened to leave him and go home. She was the only one that could get his Cossack boots off. We wracked our brains. Then I had a brainwave. He'd tell them that it was only for men to prevent the women getting cancer. I suggested that they circumcised their animals instead. That was tried once. The poor guy had was remained from his mutilated penis heartily kicked. In a fit of anger and pain he cut its throat. That became institutionalised too.

So I smiled at Vortex and said that it was an act of loyalty.

'If that's an act, what happens with the real thing?'

' I don't really know I've never seen that.' I replied truthfully.

The chairman came into the conversation. ' So you have free choice to take a chance. Why?'

' I didn't want them to feel that they were the arbitrators of their own fate. They are not creators.'

Ginger couldn't be denied.' Neither are you on both counts'. The antagonism was flowing out of him. Lava and ashes of hatred.

' If you have to link up why use two waste disposal units? Especially when so many miss one and end up in the other?'

Vortex sighed, the chairman blushed and Ginger's head oscillated between the two.

'Didn't t all that start with Greeks?' asked Vortex.

'Ah yes the Greeks'. The chairman mellowed

' I always had a special place for them. A soft spot. Let's start with them next session.'

Ginger's face was a picture of surprise. With a condescending smirk he mockingly flounced out of the room.

Please start from your previous session:

Imagine a Ginger dwarf in jodhpurs, handlebar mustache, central parted greasy lank hair. Picture him with a foaming Steiner in his hand, a giant piece of strudel at his side opera glasses as he flits from a gymkhana to opera house. You can do it. So can I.
It's not the best idea to do it in your oral exam after the antagonistic academic referee had made it apparent that he was willing to sacrifice his most perfect, pristine, physical and chemical state of the art universe just to see me humiliated.
Ginger saw the smile. Any smile of mine was a mortal insult. Any smile in his presence was, in his eyes, a reflection on his good self. The two together were awesome to behold. Every atom, particle and sub particle reached a new pitch of excitement. They all quantum jumped and went into loftier and menacing orbits. He shook. He revolved. He changed color. Centrifugal forces battled with gravity. The balance was threatened.
In short my nemesis the cretinous Ginger was about to explode.
One big bang was not enough ?
Miraculously he gained control.

And he were in Vienna.
Time transported and in parallel world. Ginger yet again had screwed up another aspect of my universe building. How?
Here's how:
Energy, as his sponsors would no doubt tell him was the key.
Maybe he thought it was sales talk.
Maybe he thought that as a creator he was running things.
Almost, Ginger.
Ruining , not running but ruining .
Vienna became a vibrant capital. People behaved like they were Ginger' s particles. Excited and haphazard.
Princes went with women of lower station, did things that they shouldn't regretting it as the energy seeped away. Alas for poor Mayerling. His energetic bed shakings were merely a form of ginger's dissipating energy. I am sure the good prince would not have ended it all if he had only realized. Probably he would have asked for another dose.
'Ah hah, I see a lot of your favorite people. '
I realized that he was referring to my Jews as he usually referred to them.
'Who is that one with the long beard and mustache?'
He had found Herzl.

Herzl was a dreamer. He felt sure that some day the horse drawn carriage would be replaced. Not everyone would be able to afford so he'd rent them. He had a great slogan. ' To have is good' . He would rent them in the Golden Medeine ........the USA. Having lousy English he decided to call his firm ' Av is'.
There he was dreaming when this cretin Ginger popped up. Ginger was still letting his every part subside to it's normal level. Not that normal was a word to be used with this entity. He started the conversation . It went like this:
' You dream of the Medina, no? '
Herzl smiled shyly , muttered in his beard, ' You must be reading my thoughts'.
This was true but unfortunately for Herzl not very well.
Unwittingly Ginger bumbled along.
'Got a great idea for you . Go to the holy land.'
Herzl looked as if he had been pole axed.
' Why on earth would I do that?'
Now it was Ginger's turn to be perplexed. He flashed his thoughts to me. Or at least what I took for his thoughts. Ginger seemed to believe that all Jews stuck together and would be off to Israel at any opportunity.
I knew why.
Ginger was fixated over the exodus from Egypt. The Jews were wandering around in the desert for forty years. He found that completely incredible. So did I . I just hoped why never became apparent. .......................
I was having all sorts of troubles with freedom of choice. So my idea was to limit it with my commandments. I always simply said only the Jews would agree to have them. Which was not entirely true. There was another tribe living on the Danube. They were called Germans. They had accepted. They really liked the idea of being special. They kept asking if that meant being superior too? I side stepped a wee bit, but let it pass.
Their leader was a huge man with hardly any clothes but what he lacked for in clothes he made up for in hair. His hair beard and mustache all reached the ground, well almost. He read the draft a few times.'You really sure about thy shall not kill?' But he gave in quite easily. Breathing a sigh of relief the negotiations went into the easiest phased and collapsed. There had to be a special group to interpret the laws. He called them 'Lawyers'.
So we met with the lawyers. Then a very strange thing happened. Every meeting they brought new lawyers. Within no time ever increasing hordes of lawyers giving advice and explanations. The German leader was getting more and more aggravated. The breaking point came when the lawyers decided that there had to be an accompanying document. They called it a preamble. And here was what they wanted written:
'In the beginning God created his Legal Advisor. And chaos was illegal. So it was prosecuted. On the second day God was sent his account. On the third day God did nothing as his account was frozen till he paid'.
So I said 'no thanks, I'll go the Jews '.
Now that was a cosmic mistake.
Moses got the commandments and was dispatched off to Israel.
The journey was to take four days.
But that did not take into account our dear friend Moses.
Still insisting on starting every sentences with 'God faithful king '. This is not recommended if you want to lead and you stutter.
So the faithful followers split up into tribes. Tribes who guessed what he said. Tribes who guessed what he meant . And tribes that that went back to ask him . And this was repeated with his answer. So we had thirteen tribes deciphering the simplest of instruction. 'Turn left at the next rock.' took days to interpret and what to do as they had passed the rock two days ago. Of course this really got every body very angry and frustrated. One day Moses really lost it and took all his frustrations out on the rock. It took there days for him to pronounce all his curses.
The journey would have taken even longer. By chance someone discover that if Moses was surprised he temporarily stopped stuttering. The best way was to go behind him and blow a horn. It had to be very loud indeed. Moses had become very hard in hearing.
So whenever the Jews met with any unmovable object they blow this horn very loudly. It would turn out to be very useful later.

Back in Vienna another odd thing had happened. Herzl was joined by a very vampish coquettish Mrs Herzl . Who eerily looked very like a humanised Vortex. Herzl was spluttering what do I want with those lunatics. They pray like penguins, dress like Russians and speak weird German that no one understands. After my experiences with Moses did I empathise! But not so his wife. Swinging her enormous ear rings and batting her large false eye lashes she caused a stir in more sense than one. She had his attention.

'It's so simple darling', the same ploy as Mary on Joseph. I knew then and there that simple was the last thing it was going to be.

'We go to America to raise money. With that money we send other people to Israel.'

'Does that mean that I can set up Avis?'

'No darling, you'll have to try much harder'.

In a twinkling we were back in the exam room.

The chairman had faded in colour. He was gazing out of the window. So was Ginger.

Vortex looked at me with a hidden look of sharing a secret mixed with 'how dare those bastards lose in interest in me?'

Vertex is in my side , I thought.

If she was she had a strange way of expressing it.

Her next comment made both her concentrate on her. Ginger turning into a throbbing lava colour and the chairman into slowly undulating intense whiteness with hints of steam swirling around him.

Vertex had merely said:

' Why do Lawyers multiply, in fact everything about sex fascinates me'.

Chairman reasserted his authority.

'That will be our next sessions topic'.

And both he and Ginger threw furtive glances through the window.