Imagine a Ginger dwarf in jodhpurs, handlebar mustache, central parted greasy lank hair. Picture him with a foaming Steiner in his hand, a giant piece of strudel at his side opera glasses as he flits from a gymkhana to opera house. You can do it. So can I.
It's not the best idea to do it in your oral exam after the antagonistic academic referee had made it apparent that he was willing to sacrifice his most perfect, pristine, physical and chemical state of the art universe just to see me humiliated.
Ginger saw the smile. Any smile of mine was a mortal insult. Any smile in his presence was, in his eyes, a reflection on his good self. The two together were awesome to behold. Every atom, particle and sub particle reached a new pitch of excitement. They all quantum jumped and went into loftier and menacing orbits. He shook. He revolved. He changed color. Centrifugal forces battled with gravity. The balance was threatened.
In short my nemesis the cretinous Ginger was about to explode.
One big bang was not enough ?
Miraculously he gained control.
And he were in Vienna.
Time transported and in parallel world. Ginger yet again had screwed up another aspect of my universe building. How?
Here's how:
Energy, as his sponsors would no doubt tell him was the key.
Maybe he thought it was sales talk.
Maybe he thought that as a creator he was running things.
Almost, Ginger.
Ruining , not running but ruining .
Vienna became a vibrant capital. People behaved like they were Ginger' s particles. Excited and haphazard.
Princes went with women of lower station, did things that they shouldn't regretting it as the energy seeped away. Alas for poor Mayerling. His energetic bed shakings were merely a form of ginger's dissipating energy. I am sure the good prince would not have ended it all if he had only realized. Probably he would have asked for another dose.
'Ah hah, I see a lot of your favorite people. '
I realized that he was referring to my Jews as he usually referred to them.
'Who is that one with the long beard and mustache?'
He had found Herzl.
Herzl was a dreamer. He felt sure that some day the horse drawn carriage would be replaced. Not everyone would be able to afford so he'd rent them. He had a great slogan. ' To have is good' . He would rent them in the Golden Medeine ........the USA. Having lousy English he decided to call his firm ' Av is'.
There he was dreaming when this cretin Ginger popped up. Ginger was still letting his every part subside to it's normal level. Not that normal was a word to be used with this entity. He started the conversation . It went like this:
' You dream of the Medina, no? '
Herzl smiled shyly , muttered in his beard, ' You must be reading my thoughts'.
This was true but unfortunately for Herzl not very well.
Unwittingly Ginger bumbled along.
'Got a great idea for you . Go to the holy land.'
Herzl looked as if he had been pole axed.
' Why on earth would I do that?'
Now it was Ginger's turn to be perplexed. He flashed his thoughts to me. Or at least what I took for his thoughts. Ginger seemed to believe that all Jews stuck together and would be off to Israel at any opportunity.
I knew why.
Ginger was fixated over the exodus from Egypt. The Jews were wandering around in the desert for forty years. He found that completely incredible. So did I . I just hoped why never became apparent. .......................
I was having all sorts of troubles with freedom of choice. So my idea was to limit it with my commandments. I always simply said only the Jews would agree to have them. Which was not entirely true. There was another tribe living on the Danube. They were called Germans. They had accepted. They really liked the idea of being special. They kept asking if that meant being superior too? I side stepped a wee bit, but let it pass.
Their leader was a huge man with hardly any clothes but what he lacked for in clothes he made up for in hair. His hair beard and mustache all reached the ground, well almost. He read the draft a few times.'You really sure about thy shall not kill?' But he gave in quite easily. Breathing a sigh of relief the negotiations went into the easiest phased and collapsed. There had to be a special group to interpret the laws. He called them 'Lawyers'.
So we met with the lawyers. Then a very strange thing happened. Every meeting they brought new lawyers. Within no time ever increasing hordes of lawyers giving advice and explanations. The German leader was getting more and more aggravated. The breaking point came when the lawyers decided that there had to be an accompanying document. They called it a preamble. And here was what they wanted written:
'In the beginning God created his Legal Advisor. And chaos was illegal. So it was prosecuted. On the second day God was sent his account. On the third day God did nothing as his account was frozen till he paid'.
So I said 'no thanks, I'll go the Jews '.
Now that was a cosmic mistake.
Moses got the commandments and was dispatched off to Israel.
The journey was to take four days.
But that did not take into account our dear friend Moses.
Still insisting on starting every sentences with 'God faithful king '. This is not recommended if you want to lead and you stutter.
So the faithful followers split up into tribes. Tribes who guessed what he said. Tribes who guessed what he meant . And tribes that that went back to ask him . And this was repeated with his answer. So we had thirteen tribes deciphering the simplest of instruction. 'Turn left at the next rock.' took days to interpret and what to do as they had passed the rock two days ago. Of course this really got every body very angry and frustrated. One day Moses really lost it and took all his frustrations out on the rock. It took there days for him to pronounce all his curses.
The journey would have taken even longer. By chance someone discover that if Moses was surprised he temporarily stopped stuttering. The best way was to go behind him and blow a horn. It had to be very loud indeed. Moses had become very hard in hearing.
So whenever the Jews met with any unmovable object they blow this horn very loudly. It would turn out to be very useful later.
It's not the best idea to do it in your oral exam after the antagonistic academic referee had made it apparent that he was willing to sacrifice his most perfect, pristine, physical and chemical state of the art universe just to see me humiliated.
Ginger saw the smile. Any smile of mine was a mortal insult. Any smile in his presence was, in his eyes, a reflection on his good self. The two together were awesome to behold. Every atom, particle and sub particle reached a new pitch of excitement. They all quantum jumped and went into loftier and menacing orbits. He shook. He revolved. He changed color. Centrifugal forces battled with gravity. The balance was threatened.
In short my nemesis the cretinous Ginger was about to explode.
One big bang was not enough ?
Miraculously he gained control.
And he were in Vienna.
Time transported and in parallel world. Ginger yet again had screwed up another aspect of my universe building. How?
Here's how:
Energy, as his sponsors would no doubt tell him was the key.
Maybe he thought it was sales talk.
Maybe he thought that as a creator he was running things.
Almost, Ginger.
Ruining , not running but ruining .
Vienna became a vibrant capital. People behaved like they were Ginger' s particles. Excited and haphazard.
Princes went with women of lower station, did things that they shouldn't regretting it as the energy seeped away. Alas for poor Mayerling. His energetic bed shakings were merely a form of ginger's dissipating energy. I am sure the good prince would not have ended it all if he had only realized. Probably he would have asked for another dose.
'Ah hah, I see a lot of your favorite people. '
I realized that he was referring to my Jews as he usually referred to them.
'Who is that one with the long beard and mustache?'
He had found Herzl.
Herzl was a dreamer. He felt sure that some day the horse drawn carriage would be replaced. Not everyone would be able to afford so he'd rent them. He had a great slogan. ' To have is good' . He would rent them in the Golden Medeine ........the USA. Having lousy English he decided to call his firm ' Av is'.
There he was dreaming when this cretin Ginger popped up. Ginger was still letting his every part subside to it's normal level. Not that normal was a word to be used with this entity. He started the conversation . It went like this:
' You dream of the Medina, no? '
Herzl smiled shyly , muttered in his beard, ' You must be reading my thoughts'.
This was true but unfortunately for Herzl not very well.
Unwittingly Ginger bumbled along.
'Got a great idea for you . Go to the holy land.'
Herzl looked as if he had been pole axed.
' Why on earth would I do that?'
Now it was Ginger's turn to be perplexed. He flashed his thoughts to me. Or at least what I took for his thoughts. Ginger seemed to believe that all Jews stuck together and would be off to Israel at any opportunity.
I knew why.
Ginger was fixated over the exodus from Egypt. The Jews were wandering around in the desert for forty years. He found that completely incredible. So did I . I just hoped why never became apparent. .......................
I was having all sorts of troubles with freedom of choice. So my idea was to limit it with my commandments. I always simply said only the Jews would agree to have them. Which was not entirely true. There was another tribe living on the Danube. They were called Germans. They had accepted. They really liked the idea of being special. They kept asking if that meant being superior too? I side stepped a wee bit, but let it pass.
Their leader was a huge man with hardly any clothes but what he lacked for in clothes he made up for in hair. His hair beard and mustache all reached the ground, well almost. He read the draft a few times.'You really sure about thy shall not kill?' But he gave in quite easily. Breathing a sigh of relief the negotiations went into the easiest phased and collapsed. There had to be a special group to interpret the laws. He called them 'Lawyers'.
So we met with the lawyers. Then a very strange thing happened. Every meeting they brought new lawyers. Within no time ever increasing hordes of lawyers giving advice and explanations. The German leader was getting more and more aggravated. The breaking point came when the lawyers decided that there had to be an accompanying document. They called it a preamble. And here was what they wanted written:
'In the beginning God created his Legal Advisor. And chaos was illegal. So it was prosecuted. On the second day God was sent his account. On the third day God did nothing as his account was frozen till he paid'.
So I said 'no thanks, I'll go the Jews '.
Now that was a cosmic mistake.
Moses got the commandments and was dispatched off to Israel.
The journey was to take four days.
But that did not take into account our dear friend Moses.
Still insisting on starting every sentences with 'God faithful king '. This is not recommended if you want to lead and you stutter.
So the faithful followers split up into tribes. Tribes who guessed what he said. Tribes who guessed what he meant . And tribes that that went back to ask him . And this was repeated with his answer. So we had thirteen tribes deciphering the simplest of instruction. 'Turn left at the next rock.' took days to interpret and what to do as they had passed the rock two days ago. Of course this really got every body very angry and frustrated. One day Moses really lost it and took all his frustrations out on the rock. It took there days for him to pronounce all his curses.
The journey would have taken even longer. By chance someone discover that if Moses was surprised he temporarily stopped stuttering. The best way was to go behind him and blow a horn. It had to be very loud indeed. Moses had become very hard in hearing.
So whenever the Jews met with any unmovable object they blow this horn very loudly. It would turn out to be very useful later.
Back in Vienna another odd thing had happened. Herzl was joined by a very vampish coquettish Mrs Herzl . Who eerily looked very like a humanised Vortex. Herzl was spluttering what do I want with those lunatics. They pray like penguins, dress like Russians and speak weird German that no one understands. After my experiences with Moses did I empathise! But not so his wife. Swinging her enormous ear rings and batting her large false eye lashes she caused a stir in more sense than one. She had his attention.
'It's so simple darling', the same ploy as Mary on Joseph. I knew then and there that simple was the last thing it was going to be.
'We go to America to raise money. With that money we send other people to Israel.'
'Does that mean that I can set up Avis?'
'No darling, you'll have to try much harder'.
In a twinkling we were back in the exam room.
The chairman had faded in colour. He was gazing out of the window. So was Ginger.
Vortex looked at me with a hidden look of sharing a secret mixed with 'how dare those bastards lose in interest in me?'
Vertex is in my side , I thought.
If she was she had a strange way of expressing it.
Her next comment made both her concentrate on her. Ginger turning into a throbbing lava colour and the chairman into slowly undulating intense whiteness with hints of steam swirling around him.
Vertex had merely said:
' Why do Lawyers multiply, in fact everything about sex fascinates me'.
Chairman reasserted his authority.
'That will be our next sessions topic'.
And both he and Ginger threw furtive glances through the window.
